Bert is Evil

  Interview of Rubber Duckie, stolen from the FBI Investigations of "Bert and Ernie".


* Indicates the person writing down what Rubber Duckie was doing.

Interviewer (name concealed) : * Rubber Duckie comes in and waddles to his seat.

Interviewer: Hello Mr. Duckie, I am here to ask you questions about "Bert and Ernie".

Interviewer: *Mr Duckie squeaks rapdily

Rubber Duckie : Lets get this over with, I have personal matters to take care of.

Interviewer: Ok, Mr Duckie , first off. How long have you known Bert and Ernie?

Rubber Duckie : Well, as long as Ernie first took me into the tub..

Interviewer: Did Ernie ever say why he took you into the tub?

Rubber Duckie : Well he told me he needed a companion to have fun with.

Interviewer: And how did you feel about that?

Rubber Duckie : Oh, well I was fine with it until Bert and him started to Change.

Interviewer: Change?

Rubber Duckie : Well, it all started with a bottle cap collection. I heard that Bert beat Grover close to his death. Most of the things that happend to Bert I heard from everyone else. But some things I saw first-hand when I was with Ernie.

Interviewer: Like what?

Interviewer: *Mr Duckie looks around nervously

Rubber Duckie : Well. Sometimes he would come home high and make Ernie do things.
One time I remembr he came home with the needle still in his arm, he smacked Ernie around and said Ernie was his *****. He made Ernie go to the Pigeon Shed, Ernie came back with Mayonase all over is face and he was crying. Bert told him if he ever acted up like that again, that this would be his punishment.

Interviewer: Was that all that happend?

Rubber Duckie : Oh, no there are alot of other times Bert went crazy. Another time was a time when Bert overdosed. Ernie packed up all of his clothes and came and got me out of the bathroom. He was sneaking towards the door and Bert woke up. He started to scream and curse at us.
Bert picked me up and threw me into the bathroom, and I remember seeing Ernie get tackled and Bert was strangeling him. Thats when.. well.. Ernie doesnt like talking about it, but Bert had these biker guys who would come over and pay Bert to have their way with Ernie. That was when Bert started to Change Ernie.

Interviewer: *Mr Duckie looks around slowly

Interviewer: Do you need a few moments to collect yourself?

Rubber Duckie : No... I've been through too much, I have no emotions anymore. I'm the strong one. Before Ernie changed, he would cry if Bert looked at him. Bert really messed up his head. I mean Bert is crazy, he has half of the cast on drugs, and the other half fears him. He is a madman.

Interviewer: Ok, earlier you said Ernie changed, how?

Rubber Duckie : Well, Bert would take him out to Strip Clubs, get him high and drunk. Then Ernie would come home all relaxed, and get in the tub with me He would rub me all over his body and get excited.

Interviewer: Oh my god, I'm sorry.

Rubber Duckie : Thanks, but that was'nt the whole thing that happend. A few times they came home they would have contests to see who could jump on me the hardest. I didnt blame Ernie for it, I blamed Bert. He was the root of the problem. Thats when I noticed the rest of the cast was starting to act funny...

Interviewer: Funny?

Rubber Duckie : Well. Elmo started to skip words in his sentence. I mean, it was weird, Big Bird always had a pipe in his hand , Cookie Monster was eating the cookies by Industrial Bags. Kermit was always with Big Bird and his pipe. Well.. Oscar was'nt a Grouch , he was all calm and his eyes were
red. But when they got back on camera , they acted the same. But you
should see them off the set. Whoever wasnt doing drugs was getting
violently beaten by Bert and Ernie. And whoever was doing drugs was
paying Bert and Ernie for more. And Miss Piggy , she started to dress
like a whore. Cars were constantly stopping next to her to pick her up.
When she came back she would hand all of her money to Bert.

Interviewer: Wow.. *Man walks into the room and tells Duckie he has a phone call

Interviewer: Ok , I'll wait.

Interviewer: *Duckie comes back minutes later

Rubber Duckie : I am sorry but that was Bert. He was yelling at me asking where I was.
I had to say I was with Ernie , I know I am going to pay for this later. But
you will get another interview from me , I promise.

Interviewer: *Duckie waddles away.


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