Interviewer (name concealed) : * Rubber
Duckie comes in and waddles to his seat.
Interviewer: Hello Mr. Duckie, I am
here to ask you questions about "Bert and Ernie".
Interviewer: *Mr Duckie squeaks rapdily
Rubber Duckie : Lets get this over with, I have personal
matters to take care of.
Ok, Mr Duckie , first off. How long have you known Bert and Ernie?
Rubber Duckie : Well, as long as Ernie first took me into
Interviewer: Did Ernie ever say why
he took you into the tub?
Rubber Duckie : Well he told me he needed a companion
to have fun with.
Interviewer: And how did you feel
Rubber Duckie : Oh, well I was fine with it until Bert and
him started to Change.
Rubber Duckie : Well, it all started with a bottle cap collection.
I heard that Bert beat Grover close to his death. Most of the things
that happend to Bert I heard from everyone else. But some things
I saw first-hand when I was with Ernie.
Interviewer: Like what?
Interviewer: *Mr Duckie looks around
Rubber Duckie : Well. Sometimes he would come home high
and make Ernie do things.
One time I remembr he came home with the needle still in his arm,
he smacked Ernie around and said Ernie was his *****. He made Ernie
go to the Pigeon Shed, Ernie came back with Mayonase all over is
face and he was crying. Bert told him if he ever acted up like that
again, that this would be his punishment.
Interviewer: Was that all that happend?
Rubber Duckie : Oh, no there are alot of other times Bert
went crazy. Another time was a time when Bert overdosed. Ernie packed
up all of his clothes and came and got me out of the bathroom. He
was sneaking towards the door and Bert woke up. He started to scream
and curse at us.
Bert picked me up and threw me into the bathroom, and I remember
seeing Ernie get tackled and Bert was strangeling him. Thats when..
well.. Ernie doesnt like talking about it, but Bert had these biker
guys who would come over and pay Bert to have their way with Ernie.
That was when Bert started to Change Ernie.
Interviewer: *Mr Duckie looks around
Interviewer: Do you need a few moments
to collect yourself?
Rubber Duckie : No... I've been through too much, I have
no emotions anymore. I'm the strong one. Before Ernie changed, he
would cry if Bert looked at him. Bert really messed up his head.
I mean Bert is crazy, he has half of the cast on drugs, and the
other half fears him. He is a madman.
Interviewer: Ok, earlier you said Ernie
Rubber Duckie : Well, Bert would take him out to Strip Clubs,
get him high and drunk. Then Ernie would come home all relaxed,
and get in the tub with me He would rub me all over his body and
Interviewer: Oh my god, I'm sorry.
Rubber Duckie : Thanks, but that was'nt the whole thing
that happend. A few times they came home they would have contests
to see who could jump on me the hardest. I didnt blame Ernie for
it, I blamed Bert. He was the root of the problem. Thats when I
noticed the rest of the cast was starting to act funny...
Rubber Duckie : Well. Elmo started to skip words in his
sentence. I mean, it was weird, Big Bird always had a pipe in his
hand , Cookie Monster was eating the cookies by Industrial Bags.
Kermit was always with Big Bird and his pipe. Well.. Oscar was'nt
a Grouch , he was all calm and his eyes were
red. But when they got back on camera , they acted the same. But
should see them off the set. Whoever wasnt doing drugs was getting
violently beaten by Bert and Ernie. And whoever was doing drugs
paying Bert and Ernie for more. And Miss Piggy , she started to
like a whore. Cars were constantly stopping next to her to pick
When she came back she would hand all of her money to Bert.
Interviewer: Wow.. *Man walks into
the room and tells Duckie he has a phone call
Interviewer: Ok , I'll wait.
Interviewer: *Duckie comes back minutes
Rubber Duckie : I am sorry but that was Bert. He was yelling
at me asking where I was.
I had to say I was with Ernie , I know I am going to pay for this
you will get another interview from me , I promise.
Interviewer: *Duckie waddles away.