Interviewer: So Elmo, how long
have you lived on Sesame Street?
Elmo: Elmo guess it's been about
8 years now. Elmo the newest one here.
Interviewer: What was it like when you
first moved here?
Elmo: Oh, it was really nice! Everyone
was so nice to Elmo! It was like a dream! Then Elmo met Bert...
Interviewer: Um, yeah?
Elmo: Uh, huh.
Interviewer: What happened when you
Elmo: Oh, sorry. Elmo been having
trouble staying focused lately (this was later
attributed to Elmo's drug abuse) Well, everyone has been
telling Elmo to stay away from Bert. Elmo thought they were kidding.
Interviewer: They weren't.
Elmo: Not at all! When Elmo first
met Bert, Bert pretended to be Elmo's friend. Bert showed Elmo around.
Then Bert started to do mean things.
Interviewer: Like what?
Elmo: One thing Bert liked to do
was make "special cookies" for Cookie Monster. Cookie ate one during
a taping, Cookie's his eyes got all googly and Cookie went berserk,
shoving cookies into Cookie's mouth. Bert laughed the whole time.
Bert said Bert did it a lot.
Interviewer: That's horrible! What did
Elmo: Nothing really. Elmo just
thought it was a dumb joke. Then came the party.
Elmo: Yes, Elmo's welcoming party.
Bert started drinking and Bert ----cut----
Interviewer: Dear God!!
Elmo: Yeah. Right there in front
of everybody. After that, Elmo tried to stay away from Bert.
Interviewer: Did it work?
Elmo: Not really. For a month or
so Bert still pestered Elmo to help Bert in Bert's pranks. One time
Bert dragged Elmo along and told Forgetful Jones that Clamentine
[his wife] had died. It was awful. Poor
Mr. Jones was in tears. After about five minutes, Mr. Jones would
forget and Bert would do it again. This went on for hours.
Interviewer: So what finally happened?
Elmo: Elmo told Bert Elmo didnt
want to be Bert's friend anymore. Bert stayed pretty calm, looked
Elmo right in the eye and said "----cut----"
Elmo was so scared...
[Elmo broke down into tears - too shaken to
Interviewer: Elmo, you're a very brave
little muppet for doing this interview. I wish you luck.
For some reason, this interview never made it to the papers.
I attempted to track down the interviewer to ask him why, only to
discover that he'd vanished a mere three days after the interview
took place. Coincidence? Maybe.