Bert is Evil !

Classified Documents of Mars Surveillance

Dear sir,

I was recently told of your "Bert is Evil" investigation and thought that you might be interested in the attached image. Understand that this image comes to me from a trusted friend who worked at Jet Propulsion Laboratories between 1975 and 1992. I have no reason to distrust this friend, but he wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution.

On July 25th, 1976, this picture (frame 35A72) of the Cydonia region of Mars (at 41 deg. N latitude 9.5 deg. longitude) was photographed by Viking Orbiter 1. The mission was to identify potential landing sites for the Viking Lander 2. As you can see this landform bears a striking resemblance to the evil Bert. This photograph was suppressed by higher-ups in our government and an alternate landing site for Viking 2 was selected.

What conclusions can we draw from this image? First of all, the only life forms that we know of that developed on Mars were single-celled organisms. Considering the immensity of this formation (2.5 km long x 2.0 km wide x 0.4 km tall) it becomes immediately apparent that the logistics of single-celled organisms building such a stone monument to Bert are mind boggling. Why, it would make the construction of the pyramids at Giza look like a sand castle building contest. According to the facts as I have presented them, ancient Martians by the billions were obviously enslaved by their Bert-worshiping overlords for this project. But why? Is it a mute testament to the devotion of a long dead race to the evil Bert (whom they must have worshipped as a god)? Is it a warning of some kind? As if to tell humanity that we are not welcome in space, that we should go no further? And why Bert? We have no record of a Bert before 1969, and yet here he is immortalized on a rock formation believed to date back to some time between Earth's Precambrian era and the late mezzanine level. Did Bert somehow time travel and convince the ancient Martians to do his bidding? Is it possible that a visionary Martian microbe looked into the future, saw Bert, and was so affected by the evil images that washed over him that this single-celled Nostradamus was compelled to put his visions to rock? I know not. But clearly spending a lot of money on costly Mars probes to investigate this further is warranted.

N. Ross Gilbert

Note that this image has been digitally enhanced somewhat. But only a little.