Hello Miss Piggy and thank you for taking the time out of your busy
schedule to speak to me.
Miss Piggy: That's okay, you handsome Muppet. So what is it you
want to ask me?
Interviewer: Well, we all know what you've been up to recently
Miss Piggy: What…?
Interviewer: Ahem, you've been very busy with Kermit and some
may say that your recent spree of TV appearances has left you
little time to yourself.
Miss Piggy: This is true - but the money's good and I'm enjoying
it. I've worked hard and now I'm getting some reward via my bank
Interviewer: Congratulations! One could say that you certainly
reap where you sow.
Miss Piggy: Excuse me - what did you say?
Interviewer: Um, you, er, reap where you sow…?
Miss Piggy: Sorry, I thought you said something else.
(NB: It's at this point that Miss Piggy becomes flushed and looks
Miss Piggy: I'm sorry, you're a good man - it's just I'm on edge
at the moment.
Interviewer: That's not like you, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy: It's not me though, it's…it's…
Interviewer: Sorry, I don't follow.
(NB: Miss Piggy has broken down into tears and is sobbing)
Miss Piggy: I did nothing wrong - he manipulated me and gave
me false pretences.
Interviewer: Who are we talking about here…?
Miss Piggy: You know… Him!
Interviewer: No, sorry - who?
Miss Piggy: Bert, you fool. He's…he's just wrong - like some
kind of mad man…he's uncontrollable…vicious. He's just…just…
Interviewer: He's what?
Miss Piggy: EVIL
(NB: Miss Piggy's once anger has now returned to heavy crying).
Interviewer: What brings you to this conclusion?
Miss Piggy: I'm going to be honest because I need to talk about
it. When I first met Bert he was kind and generous. He won my
trust but then he abused it…and me!!
Interviewer: Could you explain?
Miss Piggy: First he just asked me to start a few rumours for
a joke - he was my friend but I wasn't sure. Then it turned to
heavier stuff - like betraying my friends. The pressure on me
was great - he was angry, abusive and offensive.
Interviewer: And did you, you know, betray your friends?
Miss Piggy: Of course not, I may be blond but I'm not stupid.
But when I said no…
(NB: Miss Piggy is still in tears).
Interviewer: What did he do to you, Miss Piggy - it's all right,
Miss Piggy: He waited until the street was empty. Ernie was the
last to leave. He took me to a doorway in a blind alley. I thought
he was going to apologise.
Interviewer: What happened?
Miss Piggy: He had a look of revenge, a sinister glare and he
was fearless that day - he was determined…
Interviewer: What did he do?
Miss Piggy: He…he pinned me against the door and started
singing our theme tune in C# major.
Interview: Is that all?
Miss Piggy: No, he lifted up my skirt, put a brown paper
bag over my head, removed his belt and ----------------
Video reel ceased.
thanks to Hermitt 'Jono' Himmler