Bert is Evil!:

Miss Piggy interview: Hard evidence

One day, on a recent visit to America, my son became rather difficult and disruptive. I took him to the Sesame Street Showrooms in an effort to entertain him and calm in down. However, he continued to wreak havoc within the Showroom by plucking Big Bird's feathers and eating Cookie Monster's cookies. It was then that we were thrown out the back door and I noticed the video reel lying abandoned on the pavement from which this manuscript is taken.

This hard evidence gives a further insight into the reality and truth that is forever being spread further and further a field. Warn your loved ones, keep them safe - Bert is Evil.

Interviewer: Hello Miss Piggy and thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak to me.

Miss Piggy: That's okay, you handsome Muppet. So what is it you want to ask me?

Interviewer: Well, we all know what you've been up to recently -

Miss Piggy: What…?

Interviewer: Ahem, you've been very busy with Kermit and some may say that your recent spree of TV appearances has left you little time to yourself.

Miss Piggy: This is true - but the money's good and I'm enjoying it. I've worked hard and now I'm getting some reward via my bank account.

Interviewer: Congratulations! One could say that you certainly reap where you sow.

Miss Piggy: Excuse me - what did you say?

Interviewer: Um, you, er, reap where you sow…?

Miss Piggy: Sorry, I thought you said something else.

(NB: It's at this point that Miss Piggy becomes flushed and looks uncomfortable).

Miss Piggy: I'm sorry, you're a good man - it's just I'm on edge at the moment.

Interviewer: That's not like you, Miss Piggy.

Miss Piggy: It's not me though, it's…it's…

Interviewer: Sorry, I don't follow.

(NB: Miss Piggy has broken down into tears and is sobbing)

Miss Piggy: I did nothing wrong - he manipulated me and gave me false pretences.

Interviewer: Who are we talking about here…?

Miss Piggy: You know… Him!

Interviewer: No, sorry - who?

Miss Piggy: Bert, you fool. He's…he's just wrong - like some kind of mad man…he's uncontrollable…vicious. He's just…just…

Interviewer: He's what?

Miss Piggy: EVIL

(NB: Miss Piggy's once anger has now returned to heavy crying).

Interviewer: What brings you to this conclusion?

Miss Piggy: I'm going to be honest because I need to talk about it. When I first met Bert he was kind and generous. He won my trust but then he abused it…and me!!

Interviewer: Could you explain?

Miss Piggy: First he just asked me to start a few rumours for a joke - he was my friend but I wasn't sure. Then it turned to heavier stuff - like betraying my friends. The pressure on me was great - he was angry, abusive and offensive.

Interviewer: And did you, you know, betray your friends?

Miss Piggy: Of course not, I may be blond but I'm not stupid. But when I said no…

(NB: Miss Piggy is still in tears).

Interviewer: What did he do to you, Miss Piggy - it's all right, I'm listening.

Miss Piggy: He waited until the street was empty. Ernie was the last to leave. He took me to a doorway in a blind alley. I thought he was going to apologise.

Interviewer: What happened?

Miss Piggy: He had a look of revenge, a sinister glare and he was fearless that day - he was determined…

Interviewer: What did he do?

Miss Piggy: He…he pinned me against the door and started singing our theme tune in C# major.

Interview: Is that all?

Miss Piggy: No, he lifted up my skirt, put a brown paper bag over my head, removed his belt and ----------------


Video reel ceased.

thanks to Hermitt 'Jono' Himmler


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